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Topic #55 – Your-Last-Name-Sucks

Often, I find myself couching my defense of gender equality on the concept that I grew up with two sisters and have a daughter who I hope has the ability to grow up and be whatever she wants. I truly feel this way. I’m in favor of equal pay, equal opportunity, equal responsibility. It’s all fine with me. One thing I’m not fine with though, is this thing I see happen from time to time when couples get married: the hyphenated last name.

From a feminist standpoint, I get it. Why should you take your husbands last name if the two of you are supposed to be equals? Technically and from a literal equality angle, that makes perfect sense. Let’s be honest though, last names are already pretty whacked out. If you’re unfortunate enough to be a guy, then get a last name like “Delvecchio” or some other multi-syllabic, super long surname, the last thing you need to do, is add more letters and a hyphen. Even with my short last name of four letters, two of which are the same – why would I want to extend that? I’d be less offended by my future (ex) wife just keeping her own last name than trying to create some conglomerate of an ending that’s longer than the Great Wall of China.

What’s worse, is the kids. Especially the athletic kids. Nothing looks shittier on the back of a gorgeous jersey than a 20 letter sprawl with a dash in the middle. It basically screams “If you push me hard enough, I’ll go away.” I feel like if you lose a fight to a person with a hyphenated last name, you should probably just start doing heroin because that’s a step up from rock bottom. It’s absurd. Let the kid have the shortest or easiest name to spell. Let the middle name be one of the last names. It doesn’t make either of the parents lesser. It does, however, keep your kid from being pantsed, swirlied and stuffed in a locker for most of their school-age life. And let’s be frank, no business owner wants to spend the extra ink to print out checks for hyphen-named people.

If you think the solution to gender equality is hyphenating a last name, YOU AM DUMB.

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June 19, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #50 – M.I.A. As You Expected

Wow, I made it to 50 posts. Actually there are more than 50 because I don’t count Dummy Of The Week in my topic count, but still, 50 is a nice milestone for non-DOTW topics. I took a few days off because I was out of town and as you may recall if  you’re actually enough of an idiot fan to go back and read my early writing, I told you I’d sometimes miss days, weeks, months at a time.

For the sake of my break (see what I did there) and giving you #50 between D’sOTW I’ve decided to push my DOTW till tomorrow (if I remember, or have time). So let’s talk Super Bowl, now that we’ve all had a chance to digest it and are on the verge of moving on. I’m timely like that. Let’s talk Super Bowl controversy. Let’s talk M.I.A. Wait, why is she involved in a controversy? She stuck up her middle finger in the middle of a performance? I’m not almost sure where to begin to minimize this nothing affair.

How about here: I appreciate a live performance but hey NBC, not even a 5-second tape delay? There is no controversy if NBC uses a 5-second delay and cuts to a different camera at that moment in the performance. You do remember what started the whole halftime show concern happened at a previous Super Bowl, right? Sometimes I think I couldn’t run a network because I’m not DUMB enough.

Or here: As little as the general public may know about M.I.A., they should know this – all she does is produce controversy. Just about any song she’s had that gained any fame has been a stirrer of controversy. Out of nowhere you’re going to put her on national television and not expect something a little out of the ordinary. Not surprised.

Maybe here: Has anyone seen the actual shot of her giving the middle finger? Just in case you missed it, it’s here. Do you see the background? Yes, that’s a bunch of dancers thrusting their collective pelvises skyward. If you’re a parent, are you more concerned about some no-name holding up a non-descript finger, or are you more concerned about a bunch of women very descriptively air-fucking in the middle of a song? I’d inlude the multiple shots of Madonna splitting her legs open like a pair of ancient chopsticks to show her own crotch, but some of you are probably eating.

Or just this. That guy was far more offensive than anything M.I.A. did. So, if for any reason, you are complaining about the impact M.I.A. had on the Super Bowl, You Am Dumb.

February 10, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #49 – You’ve Been Punx’d

I want to use today to apologize to any non-American culture I’ve ever made fun of. Any tradition that you’ve brought to the U.S., placed at my feet for approval and in return received the lash of my wicked tongue (that’s right ladies), you are by all means, entitled. I…wait, no, your weird concoctions, superstitions and ways are still ridiculous and useless, I just am no longer as shocked by it as the weight of today and a long-time American cultural event smacks me dead in the face. I’m talking about Punxsutawney Phil. 

THIS is American tradition? THIS is up there with the Super Bowl, apple pie and the Dollar Menu? Every February 2nd, not only do a group of idiots get dressed up in beards and tuxedos (I’m assuming the beards are as phony as the pomp and circumstance surrounding the event), but a bunch of people show up at “Phil’s” cage to watch this overgrown furry rat be yanked out of his home…and for what purpose? To pretend that it has any bearing on anything other than the bowel movements of the groundhog is insanity. To think that Phil, who by the way is just the most recent groundhog they’ve nabbed – not the original (and I’m sure, TRUE weather forecasting capable) groundhog, denotes what stage of winter we are in solely on whether the sun is out on February 2nd or not, is on the level of not stepping on a crack to avoid the breaking of the back of your Mom. If you enjoy the farce that is, or think it would be remotely interesting to see in person, Punxsutawney Phil, or are involved with it in any way, YOU AM DUMB.

February 2, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment