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Dummy Of The Week

In honor of February – or continuing to honor February like this blog was Black History Month, this week’s Dummy Of The Week is February related. I know that since the return of this blog you’ve been dying to see who the first DOTW is (see what I did there?), so I don’t want to leave all 3 of you hanging. This week’s Dummy Of The Week is every idiot that thinks they need to remind you how short this month is.

Listen jackhole, first-and-foremost, most February’s run a cool 28 days. Of the other 11 months, five of them (FIVE!) run 30 days. I don’t need to be forewarned over the month being two days short of the average days in a month. Who here among us can say they haven’t had a bender that ran at least two days? I promise you that if we gave February two more days, I would very likely be unproductive for either those two days, or two other days during the month of my choosing. More cranial-pain inducing is the fact that this year is a Leap Year, so we’re only 1 day short of the average month. Pick any day from January 2012 and I bet I couldn’t tell you what I did that day, and that was just LAST MONTH! Not only is the month not really that short but the missing day isn’t worth shit. I don’t need it.

Most importantly, I’m not 5 years old. It should be apparent to all managers, people on the elevator in my building and strangers that think they need to talk to me on the bus, that at this stage of life, if I’m not at least relatively familiar with the number of days in February, I probably didn’t have the skill to dress myself and get to whatever location it is that they think they need to let me in on this as-yet-untold conspiracy theory secret. I’ve experienced plenty of February’s, Rite-Aid check-out lady. I don’t need your calendar insights. Just scan my card and get me out of here. I have a lot to do. It’s a short month. If you like telling everyone how short this month is, you are our Dummy Of The Week.

February 4, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week

I’m getting damn near close to just calling our Friday winner “Athlete Of The Week”.  It just doesn’t stop with these guys.  I know that Big Ben Roethlisberger’s rape party foul happened months ago, but the fact that the proverbial #2 is hitting the oscillating fan this week is just cause for me to bestow him with the honor.  I was very close to handing this week’s title to the city of Pittsburgh for being so boring that Ben felt the need to go to Georgia for some fun, but the fact that he went there, allegedly plowed an overly drunk 20-something in the bathroom at a bar, and then posed for pictures with the cops after, is just too ridiculous not to give it to him.

I’ve never paid for it (directly) and don’t have plans of ever doing so, but fellas, take a note from Charlie Sheen here.  No, not the one that says I’m going to stab you with a kitchen knife, the one that says, BUY A HOOKER.  They’re cheaper than lawyers or hitmen, and they live on repeat business, so they’re likely to keep their hog-swallowing mouth shut.  When you’re a multi-million dollar earning professional quarterback, what you want is discretion and nothing to get in the way of you earning dollars in the league.  The average football career is something like 3 years, give or take a Favre.  You’re pressing your luck and Georgia seems to be full of Whammy’s Ben.  Party in Vegas, buy a bevy of escorts, and stop trying to poke money hungry innocent Southern girls in the butt.  Be lucky you’re white buddy, cuz if you were Jason Campbell you would have gotten lynched before you got out of the state and the league would be looking to ship you to Saskatchewan.  It’s pretty simple here, Ben: YOU AM DUMB.

April 16, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week

Seeing as how I’ve contributed 2 Dummy Of The Week awards to famous male cheaters, it only seems fitting that I hand out a third this week.  Now it goes without saying that celebrities cheat just like other people on the planet cheat…well, not exactly in the same manner that other people cheat.  It’s a lot different to be a widget salesman picking up a harlot in a dive bar in Lincoln, Nebraska than it is to be the starting point guard on an NBA team, trying to dunk on a cage dancer at a hotspot in Manhattan.  One takes cunning, copious amounts of liquor and a crafty business card.  The other takes a wink and a wave.

Regardless, this weeks Dummy Of The Week award goes to Tiki Barber, formerly of the “New York Football Giants” and now a commentator for NBC (although we’ll see how long that lasts after this).  Tiki and his wonderful wife Ginny have two young sons and Ginny is 8 months preggers with twins.  Earlier this week, Tiki made this announcement:

“After 11 years of marriage, Ginny and I have decided to separate,” Barber said. “This decision was a painful one, but we are moving forward amicably and will continue to work together to raise our children with the love and dedication they have always known.” — The New York Post

Why are Tiki and Ginny splitting?  Because of this woman – Traci Lynn Johnson, a 23 year old former NBC intern, whom Tiki has had a long affair with.  Can you say “Dummy”?  Ginny and and Tiki have been together since college, Tiki’s long career in the NFL, 2 children, 2 more on the way and in the midst of all that, Tiki leaves her for a 23-year old.  That’s not just dumb, that’s a super-douche move.  What’s even more idiotic is that a few years ago, Tiki, in a statement about his father, who abandoned both Tiki and his twin brother Ronde (I’d abandon those kids on name alone), said that he’d have a hard time forgiving that.

This is a guy who has railed about being honorable and righteous is whole adult life.  Dude, you are making any and all statements made by men worthless and invalid.  Men, there is no vagina that is so worthy that you have to hide the fact that you are nothing more than a philanderer.  Just say it up front, “I need the double-v in my life: vagina variety.”  In today’s age, there are plenty of women that are on the same boat.  Tiki, you’re an idiot.  It’s okay to split from your wife.  It’s okay to split with your wife when you have children.  You just got your wife pregnant with twins 8 months ago, during which time you carried on an affair with a 23-year old, which is still almost escapable…if you don’t leave said wife for the younger woman.  Tiger admitted his screw-up, got treatment, is still working on saving the marriage, and is shooting below par in the Masters.  Jesse James, despite the douchiness, still is attempting to save his marriage after multiple dalliances.  Tiki is just outta there.  Without a doubt, Tiki Barber – YOU AM DUMB.

April 9, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummies Of The Week

Yeah, that’s right true and faithful readers, there’s no typo in that title (really with four words, I should be able to keep it together, right?)  This week there is a massive tie at the top for Dummy Of The Week honor.  Not one, not two, but three people are winners this week.  Two of them are earning their status together and one is stepping out into a whole new venture of Dumb.  I could easily do a regular M-Th post on how dumb it is for a guy to actually read a “dating tips from women” book and change accordingly, but considering the promoting going on this week, I’m taking a shot at the authors.

Two books have been heavily promoted this week:  The Day I Shot Cupid by Jennifer Love (C)Hewitt and Undateable by Ellen Rakieten and Ann Coyle.  Both have levels of retardation that is beyond comprehension.  First of all, who is reading this shit?  It’s not (straight) guys, I promise you, because if they are, they aren’t straight.  Ladies, you aren’t helping men or women out.  Since women are likely the only people to buy this book, and the women who buy this book are unequivocally sheep, all you are doing is giving these women more reasons not to give men a chance along with a false expectation of what to expect from men.  Men have been men for a very long time, and have become awfully good at being men.  We do a lot of ridiculous stuff; screw up, say dumb things at dumb times, have movie-inspired terms for body parts, etc., but if you can’t get past a little of that, you probably need to check the women looking for women box next time you go date-hunting on Craigslist.

Hewitt has actually been going to the same jewelry store every month since she was 12 to look at wedding rings.  If she doesn’t realize this is a turn-off to all men on the planet, she is off her rocker.  The first time you went in that store, you shot cupid sweetheart.  The rest has just been a slow and painful death of the little cherub.  One of her “strikes” is if a man constantly replies “that’s so dumb” after you say something.  Really?  What was your clue of that being a bad sign?  This is a woman who dated Jamie Kennedy for god’s sake.  I’m sure he’s plenty funny and all, but how many times can he say “Mali” before you really just say “Boo?”

Ellen Ratieken is a producing partner of Jerry Seinfeld which in no way makes her funny.  She’s already married and in an interview I heard with her this morning, she commented about some things she recently heard her husband said that made her cringe.  Dummy, how can you claim to write a book about things men say and do that make them undateable, when you married a guy who does those very things?  Some highlights of her undateables:  Mandanas (men who wear bandanas) – okay, unless you’re a cholo or Rafael Nadal, are you really doing this?  If you are, you’re either French or on the Jersey Shore, in which you can pull it off in either case.  Shaved Head Patterns – only black guys do this and the only people that don’t like it are people that can’t pull it off (aka white people).  If white people could cut cool shit in their hair, it would be the biggest thing in fashion.  Own a reptile – you mean besides the alligator between your legs, Ma’am?  Seriously, if you won’t date a guy because he has an iguana, hit the bricks, toots.  She actually derided the phrase “how’s it hanging” in the interview I heard.  I’m currently banging my head against a desk.

Ellen likes to consistently tell guys that certain actions are for men who are under 21, like owning jeans with any embellishment.  What I believe is that Ellen was last relevant to dating when she was under 21 and has been stuck in her world ever since.  The point is this ladies:  whenever I see one of these books, it’s always a collection of opinions from one side of the fence.  An old adage I like to remember whenever I see someone who appears odd to me is this:  Somebody’s f**king him (or her).  Save your judgmental bullshit for the nail salon and quit complaining about being  in your 40’s and single.  You don’t have to take any slob off the street, but if you’re going to not date a guy because he wears his cellphone on his belt, you deserve to be a cat-lady.  Ladies, your books will probably sell like hot-cakes to women that are seeking reasons to justify being alone, and for that, YOU AM DUMB.

March 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week

I have to admit, picking a Dummy Of The Week is probably my favorite part of doing this little blog.  The daily (or whenever the hell I remember to write one) posts about the mundane things that I find dumb either make me look completely neurotic, like I have way too much time on my hands, or both.  I say it takes having too much time on your hands to be able to shoulder consistent neurosis in the first place, so those are really the same thing.  On to our winner.

If you were Jesse James, and your wife had just followed up Premonition with The Proposal, and then All About Steve, how are you to expect she’s going to garner much attention for some role that she didn’t even want about a white family that rescues a black kid with the mighty power of football?  Well, if your wife’s name is Sandra Fricking Bullock, does it even matter?  I’ve followed the entertainment business for a long time and the only person liked more in Hollywood is the reflection that those people in Hollywood see in the mirror (if they produce one at all).  A lot of people are going to say, “I bet if he knew that she was going to win a Golden Globe and an Oscar and the movie was going to make over $200 million he wouldn’t have cheated on her.”  To that I say two things: 1) He’s obviously a damn fool, so yeah, he still would have, and 2) IT’S SANDRA BULLOCK.  Look, you don’t pull on Superman’s cape, you don’t poke an angry grizzly bear with a short stick, and you don’t cheat on “America’s Sweetheart”.

It’s a no-brainer that cheating in itself is dumb.  It’s a bigger no-brainer that cheating on Polly Purebread with a girl literally ripped out Heavy Metal is dumb.  But cheating on the most famous Polly Purebread, who is currently on an Oscar run and has a movie that is the highest grossing movie for a female lead of all time?  If I were Jesse James, I’d drop the kids off with my pornstar ex-wife, leave the keys to my motorcycle kingdom with my soon-to-be new ex-wife, locate a nice bridge, and take a huge step off.  People actually started to like this guy simply because she liked him, and he flushed it for a roll in the hay with a human inkwell.  Without a doubt, Jesse James, you are my DUMMY OF THE WEEK.

March 19, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dummy Of The Week

So, I’m a couple of days behind.  This is really par for the course with me.  I don’t drive to most places I need to be on time either, so for those that know me, this probably isn’t an odd occurrence here.

You know what’s less flexible than my arrival times?  Steel posts.  Wood is awfully flexible by comparison.  So is foam.  You’d think that if you were going to send humans rocketing down a concave sheet of ice with turns and spins at any point past where the speed hits 5 or 10 mph, you might throw some protective material up.  You know, just in case.  In case of what you might ask?  How about the latest yet quickest addition to a Dummy Of The Week victor – the officials behind the luge event in Vancouver’s Winter Olympics.  Never before has the Dummy Of The Week been clinched solely by the result of actions on the Friday of that week.  Of course, leaving a steel post exposed so Nodar Kumaritashvili (I had to copy/paste that) of Georgia (the country, not the home state of Outkast) could fly haphazardly into it at 90 mph was something decided on weeks ahead of time.

How do you look at a luge track and see an exposed steel post at a perfect place for a tobaggon tossed body to connect with and think, “Yeah, looks good to me”?  That doesn’t even make sense.  It’s like building a baseball stadium and putting a flag pole on a hill in center field.   Sports are already dangerous enough.  Getting on a sled, wearing a skin tight suit and just a helmet, lying on your back and rocketing down a sheet of ice at 90mph is dangerous to the nth power.  Tossing in an exposed steel post is like a bad professional wrestling gimmick.  I was waiting for the Ultimate Warrior to jump out and slam Nordar with a chair.  If you add unnecessary complications to sports where safety measures should exist and people die, YOU AM DUMB.

February 15, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week!

I feel pretty happy to admit that while I’ve always admired famous athletes, actors and celebrities, I’ve never seen them as infallible.  I was a HUGE Michael Jordan fan as a kid (and mostly as an adult as well), but I never thought the guy was without the capability for error – and he didn’t really let me down there.  I still think Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer ever, but I was shocked that it took this long for him to have some kind of scandal.  I seemed to always be more surprised that people thought these famous persons could do no wrong than I was at the fact that they actually screwed up.  The U.S. is a rather forgiving nation, however.  Our political enemy one day can be our friend the next and people that famously screw up are always allowed a chance at an apology and, time willing, a redemption.   Then there’s Mel Gibson.

Look, people rail against The Passion of The Christ but as far as I’m concerned, he got the money to make the movie and people paid to see it and if it’s a true representation of his feelings, he’s entitled to that.  If it’s a representation of his beliefs, he’s entitled.  That doesn’t mean you have to pay to see it or anything else he’s done.  The bigger issue I have is with the result of his arrest a few years ago, the subsequent NON-backlash and then a clip aired earlier this week.

A few years ago, while being pulled over for drunk driving, Mel blamed the Jews for every war in the world and made a few other unsavory comments.  In other interviews he’s also refused to say anything against his Father’s stance as a Holocaust denier.  Mel originally tried to apologize for his comments but never actually addressed them by name.  He’s stayed off the screen in an acting role for years and is finally doing press for his new movie (which I refuse to even name here).  In an interview with a reporter, this happened:  http://bit.ly/9lkrtV

How hard is it to just reiterate that you said some dumb things and hoped people would be forgiving of your screw-up?  It doesn’t really take any more than that.  Instead, he doesn’t even address what is being asked of him, tries to spin it on the interviewer, like “how dare you even ask me about something I’ve never even acknowledged appropriately”.  Don’t spend money on Edge Of Darkness or anything else with this douchebags name on it.  Yes, everyone has their pitfalls, but most are at least willing to ask for forgiveness or understanding.  This guy just thinks his shit doesn’t stink.  Congrats to this weeks Dummy Of The Week:  Mel Gibson, YOU AM DUMB.


February 5, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Delayed But Here – Dummy Of (Last) Week

I love how sports can really bring people together.  People of all races huddle up together in football, congratulate each other after home runs in baseball, and high five each other in basketball.  Sports is glorified in movies over and over as a unifier of people.  Whether it’s Dennis Quaid finally learning to be a good teammate with Jamie Fox in Any Given Sunday, or Josh Lucas being the first coach to start 5 Black players at Texas El-Paso, or uh, Dennis Quaid going against the grain to push Ernie Davis to stardom.  Sports brings people together.  Except in the case of our winner of Dummy Of The Week.

There’s a new basketball league looking to pop up here in America.  The basic requirements to be eligible to play in it?  One, you have to be a natural born citizen of the United States of America, and two?  Your parents have to be bona fide Caucasians.  How heart-warming.  The greatest thing about it is that Don “Moose” Lewis (of course his nickname is Moose), the commissioner of the AABA claims the league is not intended to be a racist league.  Wait, let me spin that – he claims that the league is not about hatred.  

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Because there are so many I shouldn’t even link to just one (ah what the hell – here), but you can go to YouTube and type in “Jason Williams highlights” and get a bevvy of clips of a guy, who appears to be pretty White and pretty often doing things that don’t look like “fundamental” basketball.  Mr. Lewis claims that at issue is the concern that non-White players flip people off, grab their crotch, and go into the stands.  I think the bigger issue is not that White players don’t or wouldn’t do this, but more so that Mr. Lewis would take umbrage with anyone that did this in his face that wasn’t White. 

“Moose”, your league (which is Georgia based, go figure) is something I really hope comes to fruition.  You see, one thing your league won’t be doing is allowing it’s players to play with hoods on.  Why am I in favor of this?  Because I want to see and take note of every idiot racist that supports, contributes or steps on the court for your idiotic concept.  I defend your right to start a club or personal league, but I laugh in your face at the belief that somehow White people prefer fundamental basketball over basic athletic entertainment, that White players are less likely to act out than any other race and that your league will have any success at all.  There are many racists out there and they all are quite ignorant when it comes to matters of skin color, but sir, YOU AM DUMB.

January 27, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dummy Of The Week!

Yes, I totally whiffed on getting out some posts this week.  I may or may not make up for it – but I couldn’t get through a week without dropping a “Dummy Of” on ya.  This week, with the horrendous issue going on post-earthquake in Haiti, we almost had a tie for our weekly champion.  Rush Limbaugh is always a possible Dummy pick because the guy is a high and mighty oxycontin drug addict who, like a classic drug addict, likes to blame everyone else for what’s wrong in the world.  His statements this week about Obama and Haiti would normally be enough to warrant the title but he was outdone by everyone’s (least) favorite ‘pastor’, Pat Robertson.

This sham of a schemer actually had the balls to say that Haiti was due this earthquake as part of  a deal the nation made with the devil during their attempt to gain independence from French rule and literally followed up that piece of idiocy with the phrase (and I’m quoting directly here), “True story.”  He claims, wait, let’s go back to that for a second.  True story?  According to whom?  This charlatan is such a conniver he would have his watcher’s believe, and attempt to get anyone else paying attention to believe that he has access to fact that no one else has that the population of Haiti made a literal pact with the Devil.  To get free from the French.  In the early 1800’s.  Are you kidding me?  The only reason I could see his statement having any validity is that to know whether Haiti made a pact with the Devil, one would have to either be old enough to know the people involved in making the treaty, or know the Devil.  While I think Pat Robertson is mighty old, I’m a lot more willing to believe that he has a pretty tidy friendship with the Devil.

Keith Olbermann delivered a diatribe railing Pat Robertson which I thought was really on point and I second his notions, but I couldn’t go without making an additional statement.  This buffoon has made incendiary, divisive comments like these his entire career, yet somehow people still pay for him to be on the air, sponsor ads for his show and follow him devoutly.  I don’t believe in taking someone off the air solely because they have a shitty opinion, but what type of Forrest Gumpian mentality does it take to hear his statements on this horrendous tragedy and think, “yeah, that’s right on”?  Pat Robertson is sexist, racist and in no way does he represent any type of spirituality that I would want spread into the world.  If I believe in a higher power for no other reason, it’s for times like this, when I pray for that higher power to intervene positively for the people of Haiti, and negatively for an uber-douche like Pat Robertson.  YOU sir, AM DUMB.  Good luck in hell.

January 16, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week!

I love sports.  Professional sports, amateur sports, college sports.  Yes, I separated ‘amateur’ from ‘college’ sports because frankly, unless you’re on the college swim team, you’re probably getting some under-the-table money from somewhere.  Why do I love sports?  The athleticism?  Sure.  The competition?  Why not?  But what I seem to enjoy the most about sports is the off-the-field lives that so often end up on the front page.  Without sports, Tiger Woods would have been just another doctor that cheated on his wife.  Without sports, Antoine Walker’s yearly trips home to Chicago to get robbed wouldn’t be as big a deal.  And yes, without sports, we wouldn’t get to see the idiocy that is unfolding right now in Washington, D.C.

According to a number of NBA players, more than half the players in the league have or carry guns.  It makes sense – while being tall and athletic, basketball players by comparison are more lanky and lean than their counterparts in other major sports.  Pair that with being worth millions of dollars, connections with shady friends, and a fairly accessible schedule, and you have a recipe for a bunch of guys to be robbed, mugged and burglarized regularly.  While all of that makes gun ownership a reasonable idea, and even having one in your car isn’t so far-fetched, considering the number of players who have been car-jacked, why in the hell would you bring guns from your car into the locker room at the stadium you play in?

If you’ve ever watched the pre-game show for a basketball game, they usually have a shot of a player or two arriving for the game, and they are usually getting out of their car in the bowels of the stadium, which means that the only people that have access to them from the time they get to the game till when they leave, are authorized to be there.  Dear Gilbert Arenas, what benefit would you have by bringing your gun(s) from your house in your car to the stadium, and then out of the car and into the locker room?   This is one of the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of an athlete doing at their place of business.  There is no reasonable explanation for why this happened other than “I am just so stupid that risking jail time and the voiding of the last $100 MILLION of my contract was worth showing off these cool guns I have.”   Then, to top it off, Doc Holiday decides to make a mockery of the issue by doing the “finger-gun” thing during warm-ups with his teammates.  How does the commissioner NOT suspend you for that?  Here I was all set to use this Dummy Of The Week as a platform to rant against the BCS system and talk about playoffs, but Gilbert Arenas stormed in, finger-guns blazing to put all that to waste.  Mr. Arenas, YOU AM DUMB.

January 8, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment