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Topic #51 – Be My Balentime

You know I couldn’t let this day pass without a post, right? I almost had to let it go because I wasn’t sure where to begin, but human beings never fail to give me ammunition. Of all the things I could complain about regarding people’s involvement in this holiday, it’s time to talk about how people complain about this holiday.

Valentine’s Day complainers fall into 3 categories: Women that complain that not enough or anything is being done for them on Valentine’s Day, men who complain that they have to do something for their woman on Valentine’s Day, and women who complain that the holiday even exists, unless they’re in a relationship, in which case they fall into category number one.

Ladies, unless you started dating your man within the 2 weeks prior to Valentine’s Day, you should know better. If you were dating him at Christmas, you know if or what kind of gift-giver he is. You had a month and a half to assess the situation and bail. You have zero right to feel disappointed when Cassanova’s idea of a great Valentine’s Day date is ordering Domino’s and catching Transporter 3 on Spike. You can’t maintain such a high level of expectations when you previously gave your standards a break. Or maybe you just need to get better at training him. Psyche, despite your belief, we aren’t dogs. Actually, we might be so you should expect that we sometimes just shit in the house. Get a wee-wee pad or call the shelter.

Men who complain about having to do something for their women. Guys, no you don’t. Break up if your girl expects a heartfelt Valentine’s outpouring that you aren’t interested in giving. I don’t want to hear you mope around about how you “have to” get flowers, dinner and a gift when I know the end result of something even that simple in forethought will result in you having awesome sex. Maybe if you bought flowers or a gift on a non-make believe holiday, she wouldn’t be so insistent on turning the screws today. Psyche, if you’re in a relationship, I don’t care if you send flowers weekly, you better turn the bouquet volume up to 11 if you want her to do that thing in bed she did that one time you defended her honor in public or whatever.

And to all the single ladies that complain about the “made-up, make believe, not real, bullshit, Hallmark holiday” you want to loudly proclaim Valentine’s Day to be today, I’d like to first thank you for letting me no longer wonder whether you’re single or had a man hidden somewhere you don’t talk about. Secondly, you’re full of shit. You hate the day because either previous suitors haven’t come through in the clutch or because you WISH a guy presently was so moved by you that he would literally wait in lines to buy shit he knows nothing about (flowers? jewelry? chocolate? Ok, maybe chocolate but guys know M&M’s, not Godiva,) just to watch your eyes light up. And have sex with you.

Don’t complain. Either solve the problem, or get excited about the situation. Whatever the deal, if you’re complaining about today, You Am Dumb.

February 15, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week

In honor of February – or continuing to honor February like this blog was Black History Month, this week’s Dummy Of The Week is February related. I know that since the return of this blog you’ve been dying to see who the first DOTW is (see what I did there?), so I don’t want to leave all 3 of you hanging. This week’s Dummy Of The Week is every idiot that thinks they need to remind you how short this month is.

Listen jackhole, first-and-foremost, most February’s run a cool 28 days. Of the other 11 months, five of them (FIVE!) run 30 days. I don’t need to be forewarned over the month being two days short of the average days in a month. Who here among us can say they haven’t had a bender that ran at least two days? I promise you that if we gave February two more days, I would very likely be unproductive for either those two days, or two other days during the month of my choosing. More cranial-pain inducing is the fact that this year is a Leap Year, so we’re only 1 day short of the average month. Pick any day from January 2012 and I bet I couldn’t tell you what I did that day, and that was just LAST MONTH! Not only is the month not really that short but the missing day isn’t worth shit. I don’t need it.

Most importantly, I’m not 5 years old. It should be apparent to all managers, people on the elevator in my building and strangers that think they need to talk to me on the bus, that at this stage of life, if I’m not at least relatively familiar with the number of days in February, I probably didn’t have the skill to dress myself and get to whatever location it is that they think they need to let me in on this as-yet-untold conspiracy theory secret. I’ve experienced plenty of February’s, Rite-Aid check-out lady. I don’t need your calendar insights. Just scan my card and get me out of here. I have a lot to do. It’s a short month. If you like telling everyone how short this month is, you are our Dummy Of The Week.

February 4, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #19 – Your Girl Is Not The Shit

I’ll be honest:  I’m not at all into the whole “men vs. women” thing.  I hate arguments that start with the premise that ALL men are a certain way, or that ALL women are a certain way.  Yes, I absolutely contradict this statement with my Crazy/Idiots theory (last posted on my Facebook page) but that theory is more of a metaphor to explain how we can get along better.  What’s the point?  I was out with a buddy of mine last weekend and the girl he is very interested in was out with us along with her gal pal (that just sounds so Gayle King-like).  Now the girl was still officially dating someone but everybody knows that there is something bubbling between my friend and her.  So her pal starts giving him the 3rd degree about how she knows how he is and he better fly right and not break friends heart if they date.  Being the good guy friend, I politely told the chick to shut the hell up.  “How about you tell your girl not to break my buddies heart, okay Nancy Grace?”  She got immediately perturbed that I would suggest such a possibility.

Look ladies, I know you think it’s a good idea to pitch your girlfriends as aspiring Mother Teresa’s, but guys have been on your Facebook pages.  We checked out the album titled “Cancun Trip”.  Let’s stop the charade.  Your girl is not the shit.  Not any more than the guys you’re selling them to are.  Guys don’t get reputations as players because they masturbate a lot.  It takes two to make that reputation and one of them most certainly possesses a vagina.  Can’t both sexes just admit that neither side is perfect and that the best we can hope for is something less than chasing or being chased around by a golf club, crashing an Escalade (twice) and dealing with 15-20 indiscretions coming out of the woodwork?  No one is perfect, so if you try and promote your girlfriend like she’s the shit, YOU AM DUMB.

December 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment