Youamdumb's Blog

Just another weblog

Topic #48 – Fido Don’t Play

So here I am again. This little idea of a blog did not need a restart. What it needs is consistency from me. Maybe the goodies and options of tumblr make it a better home for me. At the moment, I don’t really care. The ideas still have to formulate in my big old egg and the words still have to come out of my dumb, giant mouth. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

I don’t care if you own a dog. I don’t care if you’ve owned 10 dogs. I don’t care if you used to be in a dog and pony show that featured nothing but the same breed of dog as the one that I am walking, and your daily job was to teach the dogs impossible tricks, like balancing the federal budget. DO NOT JUST WALK UP TO MY DOG. Don’t ask me if its friendly. Don’t make kissing noises at it, and do not start talking to it in a baby voice.

No more than I would despise you doing this to my child would I despise you doing this to my dog. I appreciate that you feel all pets should be the fru-fru frilly pants companions to the human race, but I’m trying to produce a protector and potentially trained killer here. People get dogs for one of two reasons: companionship and protection. If you don’t at least assume its the second one, well, not only is it your face on the line, but YOU AM DUMB.


February 1, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #44 – Dog Roulette

I’m just going to cut to the chase – you’re not a dog lover.  Oh, you own a little piece of breathing fluff that you feed and pet and take for silly walks, which are silly because an animal that small can drop ass in a litter box, but you don’t love it.  You can’t possibly.  If you did, you wouldn’t let it sit on your lap while you drive.

I love my daughter but I wouldn’t let her sit on my lap while I drive either.  I know it’s simply idiotic to go into the reasons, but I’ll tell you anyway.  In no particular order:  focus, airbags, escape, windshield.  With your dog on your lap, constantly resettling, shifting and trying to stick it’s tongue-wagging head out of the window, how the hell are you focusing on the road?  How do you even see to the left when you’ve got Fluffy’s hindquarters in your cornea?  Of course as all dogs are wont to do, every stop is an opportunity to possibly take a leap out of the car to explore the neighborhood.  How does your mutt know that the red light on Wilshire isn’t the final stop?  With the fact that motorcycles are allowed to split lanes, how wonderful is it to think that your dog could jump out of the front window right as Evil Knievel is whizzing by on his moped.  There’s a pretty thought.  So you can’t focus and the dog might jump, which could lead to what, boys and girls?  If you said “accident” pick up your gold star.  When you ram that back end of that Mercedes in front of you, which you certainly will, the dog has two particularly unfun options for death:  either the crushing explosion of an airbag all over it’s furry self, or a nice projection into and likely through your windshield.  What a dog lover you are.

No, you don’t love dogs, have less respect for other drivers and are essentially looking to make either YouTube or the news and in today’s world, probably both.  Put the dog in the back seat, or if it’s that small, in one of those ventilated dog bags, let it whimper until it learns some discipline, and pay attention to the road.  If you drive with your dog in your lap, YOU AM DUMB.

April 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment