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Topic #46 – Claim Your Bags Elsewhere

Wow, here we are at mighty milestone number 46 on the You Am Dumb tour. I don’t think it’s any more of a milestone than say, #12, but for a while there, I thought this was going to fade into a Dummy Of The Week only site. Well, fuck that – it’s time to cover the dumb. Let’s talk about travel, shall we?

As you all know (or as some of you know, or none of you), I travel pretty regularly. I have obtained a multiple of pet peeves about said traveling as it you can’t walk to your local (insert your local shopperie here) without encountering at least 3-5 idiots. Today though, I’m talking about the airport. More specifically, baggage claim.

I don’t even try and travel with big enough bags to need to check one, but occasionally on long trips, you have no choice but to subjugate yourself to the colon probe of a bag check. On Southwest it’s cool, but regardless of the airplane, the result when you want to get your bag is the same: some geezer/douche/foreigner decides that where you’re standing waiting for your bag is the exact place they need to jump in front of to grab their bag that’s been on the carousel for 2 minutes.

Look handsy, it’s great that you feel the desire to not loose your neon plaid, duck-taped satchel with various white oval country stickers plastered all over, but if you haven’t noticed – the carousel MOVES. So should you…out of my face. I don’t need an “excuse me”. I don’t need you dropping the shoulder like Warren Sapp trying to get skinny to sack the quarterback. I need you to move your one-too-many-Hostess-cupcakes ass on down the line. You’re not rescuing Moses here and if you miss grabbing your bag this go ’round there are two potential outcomes.

One, why would you want to retrieve your bag if it carries the same wardrobe I see on your gum-flapping body anyway? Let that shit go and re-up on clothes in town. B, I promise you if your ride is as dumb as you are, they haven’t pulled up to the curb yet. Let your bag make a full rotation and hopefully either  a bomb sniffing dog finds it or someone with more pity than me decides to set it on fire. Either way, we’re all better off.

Frankly, if you can’t wait your impatient ass a few more seconds to grab your bag without barge past me like a homeless guy chasing a quarter rolling down the street, YOU AM DUMB.

It’s good to be back…

December 3, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

It’s Back – Dummy Of The Week

Why wouldn’t I come back on a Friday before a holiday? I have probably followed zero of the normal rules for starting a blog anyway, so why should this be any better of an idea? How any of you (both of you) find this blog to read it in the first place is a mighty feat of which your reward is my return. Why was I gone? Why am I back? None of that matters. What matters is that I didn’t disappear because the dumb did – they are alive, well and thriving. As such, it’s Friday and we need a Dummy Of The Week.

I was going to avoid a sports-related post for my first returning stab at the heart of dumb, but considering that my DOTW includes sports, celebrity, acting, and texting, it had to happen. I feel like the coolest thing Tiger Woods could do is come out and say that he wants to mentor other athletes into how to properly obtain and keep side pieces. Despite what anyone thinks of him, El Tigre ran through 100+ randoms for years before finally being hauled down for a text. He’s like the Al Capone of infidelity. The guy he should have trained is our DOTW – Tony Parker.

Dude. I know you’re French but are you going to tell me you haven’t been following the tribulations of both Woods and Favre? Both those guys are WAY more high-profile than you and look at the bullshit they’re dealing with. You’re a point guard who is historically known for not necessarily even being liked by your own coach – and you guys have won championships together! Your wife is of Mexican descent – do you not realize she will likely cut you at some point? She’s not just Mexican, she’s from that part of Texas where the Mexican drug dealers just slaughter people…and you play in San Antonio! That’s a same-day assassination trip for one of those guys. On top of everything else, you’re stepping out on her with a former teammate’s (now soon-to-be ex) wife – who happens to be WHITE?! Look, I’m not trying to be racial but facts are facts – you’re a French Black guy living in Texas cheating on your Mexican wife with a White guy’s White wife. If you get hung any less than four times for this by some backwoods redneck crew of mouth breathers you should probably count yourself lucky. Tony, you’re a second tier point guard, but a first tier Dummy. You, are our Dummy Of The Week.

November 19, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Topic #45 – Stop With The Toolbars

Of course you thought I gave up on this thing.  I’d love to tell you that I had a magical reason for not keeping this up to date, but to be frank, travel and lack of free time have kept me from freely flowing on the internets as much as I’d like lately.  That doesn’t mean the dumb stuff hasn’t continued to be cataloged by me for you and this triumphant return.  How many days can I keep the new return going?  Folks, I AM DUMB TOO.  Don’t count on consistency.  Count on the DUMB.  On to today’s topic.

Getting some free time back on the internet has meant a lot of catching up with new installations, new downloads, and new videos.  In other words, wasting inordinate amounts of time.  There seems to be a constant with all this new crap, and although I’ve noticed it for years, I feel someone has to say something:  what’s with the constant attempts to get me to download a GD toolbar?  Web pages are already big enough that I have to scroll down to read whatever is on them.  I already have a toolbar or two at the top and at the bottom.  Why would I want yet another toolbar?  I’m going to be honest:  I don’t have that many tools, and of the tools I have that need bars, I don’t get to all of them anyway.  In fact, I could probably use less bars of tools than I currently have.  To top it off, I find it easier to type “www.google.com” into a url and search the big ol’ toolbar right on Google, instead of fitting what I’m looking for into some obscure corner of the screen.

If I added every single toolbar, my screen would look like a wall in Tim Allen’s garage.  That’s right, I just dropped a Tool Time from “Home Improvement” reference.  Suck on that, Yahoo toolbar that wants to add itself with every Apple or Adobe update I get.  Look, either I trust your site and will go there for my searching, or I won’t.  Having you ominously situated in the corner of my screen will only piss me off and make me wary of trusting you.  If you’re a program to be downloaded and you include an automatic toolbar installation, YOU AM DUMB.

May 11, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 1 Comment

Dummy Of The Week

I’m getting damn near close to just calling our Friday winner “Athlete Of The Week”.  It just doesn’t stop with these guys.  I know that Big Ben Roethlisberger’s rape party foul happened months ago, but the fact that the proverbial #2 is hitting the oscillating fan this week is just cause for me to bestow him with the honor.  I was very close to handing this week’s title to the city of Pittsburgh for being so boring that Ben felt the need to go to Georgia for some fun, but the fact that he went there, allegedly plowed an overly drunk 20-something in the bathroom at a bar, and then posed for pictures with the cops after, is just too ridiculous not to give it to him.

I’ve never paid for it (directly) and don’t have plans of ever doing so, but fellas, take a note from Charlie Sheen here.  No, not the one that says I’m going to stab you with a kitchen knife, the one that says, BUY A HOOKER.  They’re cheaper than lawyers or hitmen, and they live on repeat business, so they’re likely to keep their hog-swallowing mouth shut.  When you’re a multi-million dollar earning professional quarterback, what you want is discretion and nothing to get in the way of you earning dollars in the league.  The average football career is something like 3 years, give or take a Favre.  You’re pressing your luck and Georgia seems to be full of Whammy’s Ben.  Party in Vegas, buy a bevy of escorts, and stop trying to poke money hungry innocent Southern girls in the butt.  Be lucky you’re white buddy, cuz if you were Jason Campbell you would have gotten lynched before you got out of the state and the league would be looking to ship you to Saskatchewan.  It’s pretty simple here, Ben: YOU AM DUMB.

April 16, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #44 – Dog Roulette

I’m just going to cut to the chase – you’re not a dog lover.  Oh, you own a little piece of breathing fluff that you feed and pet and take for silly walks, which are silly because an animal that small can drop ass in a litter box, but you don’t love it.  You can’t possibly.  If you did, you wouldn’t let it sit on your lap while you drive.

I love my daughter but I wouldn’t let her sit on my lap while I drive either.  I know it’s simply idiotic to go into the reasons, but I’ll tell you anyway.  In no particular order:  focus, airbags, escape, windshield.  With your dog on your lap, constantly resettling, shifting and trying to stick it’s tongue-wagging head out of the window, how the hell are you focusing on the road?  How do you even see to the left when you’ve got Fluffy’s hindquarters in your cornea?  Of course as all dogs are wont to do, every stop is an opportunity to possibly take a leap out of the car to explore the neighborhood.  How does your mutt know that the red light on Wilshire isn’t the final stop?  With the fact that motorcycles are allowed to split lanes, how wonderful is it to think that your dog could jump out of the front window right as Evil Knievel is whizzing by on his moped.  There’s a pretty thought.  So you can’t focus and the dog might jump, which could lead to what, boys and girls?  If you said “accident” pick up your gold star.  When you ram that back end of that Mercedes in front of you, which you certainly will, the dog has two particularly unfun options for death:  either the crushing explosion of an airbag all over it’s furry self, or a nice projection into and likely through your windshield.  What a dog lover you are.

No, you don’t love dogs, have less respect for other drivers and are essentially looking to make either YouTube or the news and in today’s world, probably both.  Put the dog in the back seat, or if it’s that small, in one of those ventilated dog bags, let it whimper until it learns some discipline, and pay attention to the road.  If you drive with your dog in your lap, YOU AM DUMB.

April 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week

Seeing as how I’ve contributed 2 Dummy Of The Week awards to famous male cheaters, it only seems fitting that I hand out a third this week.  Now it goes without saying that celebrities cheat just like other people on the planet cheat…well, not exactly in the same manner that other people cheat.  It’s a lot different to be a widget salesman picking up a harlot in a dive bar in Lincoln, Nebraska than it is to be the starting point guard on an NBA team, trying to dunk on a cage dancer at a hotspot in Manhattan.  One takes cunning, copious amounts of liquor and a crafty business card.  The other takes a wink and a wave.

Regardless, this weeks Dummy Of The Week award goes to Tiki Barber, formerly of the “New York Football Giants” and now a commentator for NBC (although we’ll see how long that lasts after this).  Tiki and his wonderful wife Ginny have two young sons and Ginny is 8 months preggers with twins.  Earlier this week, Tiki made this announcement:

“After 11 years of marriage, Ginny and I have decided to separate,” Barber said. “This decision was a painful one, but we are moving forward amicably and will continue to work together to raise our children with the love and dedication they have always known.” — The New York Post

Why are Tiki and Ginny splitting?  Because of this woman – Traci Lynn Johnson, a 23 year old former NBC intern, whom Tiki has had a long affair with.  Can you say “Dummy”?  Ginny and and Tiki have been together since college, Tiki’s long career in the NFL, 2 children, 2 more on the way and in the midst of all that, Tiki leaves her for a 23-year old.  That’s not just dumb, that’s a super-douche move.  What’s even more idiotic is that a few years ago, Tiki, in a statement about his father, who abandoned both Tiki and his twin brother Ronde (I’d abandon those kids on name alone), said that he’d have a hard time forgiving that.

This is a guy who has railed about being honorable and righteous is whole adult life.  Dude, you are making any and all statements made by men worthless and invalid.  Men, there is no vagina that is so worthy that you have to hide the fact that you are nothing more than a philanderer.  Just say it up front, “I need the double-v in my life: vagina variety.”  In today’s age, there are plenty of women that are on the same boat.  Tiki, you’re an idiot.  It’s okay to split from your wife.  It’s okay to split with your wife when you have children.  You just got your wife pregnant with twins 8 months ago, during which time you carried on an affair with a 23-year old, which is still almost escapable…if you don’t leave said wife for the younger woman.  Tiger admitted his screw-up, got treatment, is still working on saving the marriage, and is shooting below par in the Masters.  Jesse James, despite the douchiness, still is attempting to save his marriage after multiple dalliances.  Tiki is just outta there.  Without a doubt, Tiki Barber – YOU AM DUMB.

April 9, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #43 – Lowest Common Denominator

I will be the first to admit that I like a little cheese and sleaze.  I read crass blogs, I know who all the reality show dingbats are and I watch way more television than my Mom probably hoped I would.  I disagree that it’s all mindless however, because there is not only a proliferation of educational programming from channels like Discovery, History, NatGeo, etc., some of the episodic television is well-written and at least creates thought and discussion – if you don’t sit there mouth agape wandering into space.  My beef however is with the low-level TV out there.  I like seeing into the private lives of Hollywood stars like the next semi-obsessed nut job, but I have to be honest – Heidi Montag is not a star.  Neither is Kate Gosselin, Bachelor Joe or the Pretty Wild Girls.  To be more honest, not only are they not stars, shame on the morons that boost the ratings so much by paying attention, that the people that propped them up in the first place continue to do so.  No one should know Lindsay Lohan’s parents names.

This is the retarded world we live in (and yes, I’m using retarded in the correct context here).  Follow this path:  Kate Gosselin marries a butterball named Jon and proceeds to plop out twins followed by a six-pack of midgets.  Somehow they end up filming a couple years of their life and airing it on a cable channel.  The couple breaks up, and Kate is somehow on covers of magazines and is now a “star”.  She has no discernible talent other than having a womb of considerable depth and width.  She’s on Dancing With The Stars, but by the count of seasons on television, her partner is more of a star and shown far more talent than she has…

How about this one:  A former playboy model (who you never heard of, because you’ve never heard of any of them) has 3 daughters who are just old enough to be whores.  E! (which either stands for entertainment or the drug the producers are on) decides to give them a show so you can literally watch how 3 girls teetering on the edge of hooking get into the profession.  One is already up on burglary charges and another one is nekkid all over Playboy already.  Not that I’m against of-age women taking pictures sans-clothes, but this doesn’t make you a star.  Gilbert Arenas brought a gun to the arena he plays basketball in and got suspended for a year.  One of these girls robbed real celebrities and gets to make money on a TV show.

Here’s the one that put me over the top:  A woman is literally eating her way to 1,000 pounds for fame and money.  I wouldn’t know about this except for the fact that every major “entertainment” show carried the story.  People pay money online to watch her eat and there’s talk of her landing a reality show about her attempt.

There is no chicken and the egg scenario here, people.  Stop publicizing dumb shit.  What kills me about “stardom” of people like Kate Gosselin, is that you dupes buy into it.  How do I know?  Dancing With The “Stars” losers are voted off by the public.  Here is the people’s chance to make a statement.  Weeks into it, Gosselin and Bachelor Jake are still on the show.  That means you’re picking them over watching Buzz Aldrin potentially break a hip.  The man walked on the moon, dummies.  I totally understand that you get drawn to reality shows, but to follow the next piece of shit that someone from that show does is ridiculous.  The 15 minutes of fame ends when the show is off the air.  Stop watching, the “entertainment” shows will stop following them and maybe we can return to finding out about real celebrities.  Until then, if you feed into the reality show = star/celebrity hysteria, YOU AM DUMB.

April 8, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Topic #42 – Meter Maid Revolution

Good to be back after the April Fools Easter holiday.  I’m sure you didn’t miss me, but I’ve been boiling over with DUMB, and I’m excited to come back and share it with you.  I know I tend to take a lot thought processes to task, which can sometimes lead you to search your soul for your own stupidity, but today, I’m taking on The Man.  That’s right, boys and lady-boys – paid parking.

I’ve never seen an opportunity to charge every citizen of a certain status level (and not a terribly high one at that – I’m talking to you, ’89 Hyundai driver from this morning) such an alarming cost, to simply set their equipment somewhere for a little while.  It is perhaps, one of the most ridiculous catch-22’s since the whole unprotected sex-disease/pregnancy debacle.  Municipalities want tourism to come in – they ply us with restaurants and performances and scantily clad, uh dogs (hi Mom).  Then when we get there, the only way to park is to either pay some exorbitant amount for the right to park in a garage that it will take until next week to get out of, or have so many quarters you can beat down any man who tries to take your spot.  Oh wait, now they’ve made it “easier” for you to park by offering up meter boxes where you can pay by credit card!  Yippee, another location I can share my most vital and personal information with.  Now the city can record exactly where you were at any time by checking your credit card records.  Isn’t that sweet?  Or, if you live in Chicago, it’s not a city that’s getting that information, but a monolith 3rd party, since Chicago sold(!) it’s parking meters to a private company, that now enforces a 24 hour a day rule on meters.

I’m telling you now, the revolution won’t be a class war, or a racial war, it will be a rebellion of drivers against those that would charge us to park.  No one is opposed to a city bringing in some revenue for itself.  That’s reasonable.  However, charging more than a gallon of gasoline to park somewhere for an hour, having to put quarters into meters until 2 in the morning (or later) and giving people tickets before they even have the time to put money in the meter (like this situation HERE) are just insane.  Easiest way to avoid paying a parking meter?  Simply drive your car right through the one on the curb of the spot you intend to park in.  Seems just as rationale as paying more to park to see a movie than the cost of the actual (and overpriced) movie itself.  To the parking meters, and the fools who run them or accept jobs ticketing for them, YOU AM DUMB.

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #41 – Tell Me Tomorrow

What day is it?  Oh yeah – Thursday.  NO DUMMY – it’s April 1st.  AKA April Fool’s Day.  I’ve never seen a day with a more apt title.  Today is the day where radio hosts try and sucker pre-caffeinated people as they drive to work, where websites try and get a big giggle out of selling themselves to someone of no importance or redoing the face of their website (I’m looking at you “Topeka.com” aka Google), and where your friend with an IQ of “Gump” decides to play a prank on you that isn’t really a prank, but more of an attempt at heart-attack inducement.

Let me save you the wonderment.  Anyone you know that announces an engagement, pregnancy, quitting, stardom, diabetes, kidney stones, famous siblings, found money, lost money, incest enjoyment, a porn career, plastic surgery or anything like that today, IS FULL OF SHIT.  The simplest response you should give to anyone who tries to break important news to you today is a swift stomach kick.  “What if they really do have real news?” you might ask.  Well, they deserve a swift stomach kick anyway for thinking they can break said news on this date without you being suspicious.  Just don’t fall for any ridiculous stories, eats your vitamins, say your prayers and you’ll grow up big and strong like the Hulkster.  Wait, wrong blog.  Anyway, if you fall for an April Fool’s joke today, you’re more than a fool, YOU AM DUMB.

April 1, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #40 – Diet, Exercise, Repeat

I am not He-Man.  I am not the most in shape person I know.  I’m not even the most in shape person in my house.  I have however, gained and lost weight.  Incredible amounts.  In addition, we live in a country where no one seemingly knows what healthy food is.  I watched a show on TV last Sunday where kids didn’t know what a potato looked like, but could spot a chicken nugget easily.  I know we live in a place where Domino’s is easier than the stove and most of the population is overweight, but if one more person asks me how to lose weight I’m going to drop kick a baby panda bear.

The truth is that everyone knows how to lose weight, they just don’t want to do the “work” or have some discipline when it comes to eating habits.  There are so many billboards in Los Angeles promoting lap-band surgery you’d think it was a new movie coming out for Paramount.  “Go ahead, eat what you want!  When you’re ‘morbidly obese’ come see us and we’ll put a rubber band around your stomach so you can only eat 1/3 of what you eat now.”  Here’s a simple and easy solution for this problem:  just eat 1/3 of what you eat now and skip the rubber band.  Then do anything – ANYTHING that makes you sweat for a good 25-30 minutes every day.  You can get all David Carradine with it and throw on lace leggings, wrap your head in a belt and dangle from the shower rod – if it gets you huffing and puffing for a half hour, you’ve got a winning exercise program.  Most of us don’t want to be an Adonis, we just want to wear that pair of jeans we bought 6 months ago or take our shirt off at the beach without someone trying to push us out to sea.  It’s simple – eat smaller meals than you have been, and work up a sweat doing something everyday.

Did you know that even if you didn’t change your diet, but just split up the meals more, and added some exercise, you’d be in better shape?  Cutting out some of the fried food and heavy starches, fructose corn syrup’s, etc. will help, but just eating more but smaller meals will do the trick.  At least minimally.  This isn’t new info.  You already knew this.  You just want some kind of easier solution.  But that’s just because YOU AM DUMB.

March 30, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 2 Comments