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Topic #55 – Your-Last-Name-Sucks

Often, I find myself couching my defense of gender equality on the concept that I grew up with two sisters and have a daughter who I hope has the ability to grow up and be whatever she wants. I truly feel this way. I’m in favor of equal pay, equal opportunity, equal responsibility. It’s all fine with me. One thing I’m not fine with though, is this thing I see happen from time to time when couples get married: the hyphenated last name.

From a feminist standpoint, I get it. Why should you take your husbands last name if the two of you are supposed to be equals? Technically and from a literal equality angle, that makes perfect sense. Let’s be honest though, last names are already pretty whacked out. If you’re unfortunate enough to be a guy, then get a last name like “Delvecchio” or some other multi-syllabic, super long surname, the last thing you need to do, is add more letters and a hyphen. Even with my short last name of four letters, two of which are the same – why would I want to extend that? I’d be less offended by my future (ex) wife just keeping her own last name than trying to create some conglomerate of an ending that’s longer than the Great Wall of China.

What’s worse, is the kids. Especially the athletic kids. Nothing looks shittier on the back of a gorgeous jersey than a 20 letter sprawl with a dash in the middle. It basically screams “If you push me hard enough, I’ll go away.” I feel like if you lose a fight to a person with a hyphenated last name, you should probably just start doing heroin because that’s a step up from rock bottom. It’s absurd. Let the kid have the shortest or easiest name to spell. Let the middle name be one of the last names. It doesn’t make either of the parents lesser. It does, however, keep your kid from being pantsed, swirlied and stuffed in a locker for most of their school-age life. And let’s be frank, no business owner wants to spend the extra ink to print out checks for hyphen-named people.

If you think the solution to gender equality is hyphenating a last name, YOU AM DUMB.

June 19, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #54 – Ferpes

Like most guys, seeing a woman in a pair of killer heels can sometimes be drool-inducing. Heels show off great legs and even seeing a woman in platform heels, knowing that she is actually a foot-and-a-half shorter than the heels are making her look is kind of hot.

Don’t judge my sickness.

What is drool-inducing in a completely different and disappointing manner is seeing that same woman, or any woman for that matter, later walking down the street barefoot, heels in hand. Was that the game plan when you left the house? Look, I get dirt in my eyes all the time. As such, I make sure I carry eye drops with me because I know how much of an idiot I look like picking and digging in my eye, along with the fact that dirt isn’t healthy for my eyes. You know where else dirt isn’t that healthy? On your feet. Especially sidewalk dirt.

I would put the number of vomit stains I see at an average of about 11 per week. That doesn’t count the spitting, cigarette butts, urination and whatever other general bum and disregard-for-anyone-else related fluids, etc that end up on our lovely city streets.

Carry a purse big enough to fit sandals or some other kind of back up shoes. Or keep your soon-to-be herpes riddled feet – your ferpes – nowhere near me. If you take your shoes off to walk on city streets, YOU AM DUMB.

June 18, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment