Youamdumb's Blog

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Topic #44 – Dog Roulette

I’m just going to cut to the chase – you’re not a dog lover.  Oh, you own a little piece of breathing fluff that you feed and pet and take for silly walks, which are silly because an animal that small can drop ass in a litter box, but you don’t love it.  You can’t possibly.  If you did, you wouldn’t let it sit on your lap while you drive.

I love my daughter but I wouldn’t let her sit on my lap while I drive either.  I know it’s simply idiotic to go into the reasons, but I’ll tell you anyway.  In no particular order:  focus, airbags, escape, windshield.  With your dog on your lap, constantly resettling, shifting and trying to stick it’s tongue-wagging head out of the window, how the hell are you focusing on the road?  How do you even see to the left when you’ve got Fluffy’s hindquarters in your cornea?  Of course as all dogs are wont to do, every stop is an opportunity to possibly take a leap out of the car to explore the neighborhood.  How does your mutt know that the red light on Wilshire isn’t the final stop?  With the fact that motorcycles are allowed to split lanes, how wonderful is it to think that your dog could jump out of the front window right as Evil Knievel is whizzing by on his moped.  There’s a pretty thought.  So you can’t focus and the dog might jump, which could lead to what, boys and girls?  If you said “accident” pick up your gold star.  When you ram that back end of that Mercedes in front of you, which you certainly will, the dog has two particularly unfun options for death:  either the crushing explosion of an airbag all over it’s furry self, or a nice projection into and likely through your windshield.  What a dog lover you are.

No, you don’t love dogs, have less respect for other drivers and are essentially looking to make either YouTube or the news and in today’s world, probably both.  Put the dog in the back seat, or if it’s that small, in one of those ventilated dog bags, let it whimper until it learns some discipline, and pay attention to the road.  If you drive with your dog in your lap, YOU AM DUMB.

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April 14, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

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