Youamdumb's Blog

Just another weblog

Topic #33 – How Much Are Napkins?

First things first – I haven’t written here in forever.  Why not?  Did all that dumb get me down?  Look, I admitted from the beginning that I’m rather lazy and this was a hobby.  I get busy and this is definitely not priority number one in my world.  If it is for you, we should definitely find you some help.  Regardless of my own mental illness, I received my monthly Facebook stats showing the number of visitors to my You Am Dumb page, even in the weeks I hadn’t written, and realized I need to get back to work.  I may be an ass-hat, but I must please the public.  Who am I, Rahm Emmanuel?  Let’s get to the DUMB

Like just about every other human being on the planet (not you, anorexics), I tend to eat food.  Every once in a great while I actually happen to have a meal that I didn’t prepare in my own home.  In other words, I get meals while out and about regularly enough to have built up some opinions.  Most foods and food-type things that you get while out are pretty regular across the board.  You can find a dollar double-cheeseburger at most fast-food places.  You can get a decent sub sandwich for about $5 or $6 and the cost of a fountain drink is fairly standard.  In the midst of all of this fairly sensible and regular pricing, what the hell is going on with napkins?  I can only suspect that this has to be the most fluctuating cost associated with running a food place based on the way these establishments dole them out.

Some places I’ll stop at leave the napkin container right out there in the open, just beckoning you to it’s steel-boxed frame.  It stares you down with that alluring slit that’s big enough to get your fingers inside to touch the napkins but not big enough to actually grab a decent amount without either pain or napkin destruction.  More times than not I end up grabbing way too many just to avoid the Chinese finger-trap that is the front of a napkin holder.  Then there is my favorite cheap and cheerful spot:  Subway.  I’ve never seen a place so stingy on the napkin front.  First off, they have these miniature square napkins that are smaller than what I get a drink set on in most bars.  Second, they usually shoe-horn one or two napkins in the bag as they charge you for your meal, to distract you from the fact that they just slathered extra-honey mustard on your sub and are about to eff up your nice polo with no napkin save available.  Dear Subway, if the napkins are so stinking expensive, stop printing on them with those bright colors and give me a couple more of them.  I’ve never seen a staff so dejected when you ask for additional napkins.  If I had a nickel for every time the guy ringing me up said, “I put some in the bag”, I’d have at least 95 cents.  If you can’t regulate your napkin cost enough to give me a decent amount for my sandwich, YOU AM DUMB


March 17, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , ,


  1. I suspect you have sausage fingers so you can’t grapse too many napkins in one hit. FYI the correct term from the Old country is ‘serviette’ and not napkin. No-one’s taking a siesta here are they? That’s my two-cents worth.

    Comment by Tiffany | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  2. I have tears streaming down my face — and that’s better than honey mustard! Thanks I needed a laugh!!

    Comment by Myrna | March 24, 2010 | Reply

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