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Delayed But Here – Dummy Of (Last) Week

I love how sports can really bring people together.  People of all races huddle up together in football, congratulate each other after home runs in baseball, and high five each other in basketball.  Sports is glorified in movies over and over as a unifier of people.  Whether it’s Dennis Quaid finally learning to be a good teammate with Jamie Fox in Any Given Sunday, or Josh Lucas being the first coach to start 5 Black players at Texas El-Paso, or uh, Dennis Quaid going against the grain to push Ernie Davis to stardom.  Sports brings people together.  Except in the case of our winner of Dummy Of The Week.

There’s a new basketball league looking to pop up here in America.  The basic requirements to be eligible to play in it?  One, you have to be a natural born citizen of the United States of America, and two?  Your parents have to be bona fide Caucasians.  How heart-warming.  The greatest thing about it is that Don “Moose” Lewis (of course his nickname is Moose), the commissioner of the AABA claims the league is not intended to be a racist league.  Wait, let me spin that – he claims that the league is not about hatred.  

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Because there are so many I shouldn’t even link to just one (ah what the hell – here), but you can go to YouTube and type in “Jason Williams highlights” and get a bevvy of clips of a guy, who appears to be pretty White and pretty often doing things that don’t look like “fundamental” basketball.  Mr. Lewis claims that at issue is the concern that non-White players flip people off, grab their crotch, and go into the stands.  I think the bigger issue is not that White players don’t or wouldn’t do this, but more so that Mr. Lewis would take umbrage with anyone that did this in his face that wasn’t White. 

“Moose”, your league (which is Georgia based, go figure) is something I really hope comes to fruition.  You see, one thing your league won’t be doing is allowing it’s players to play with hoods on.  Why am I in favor of this?  Because I want to see and take note of every idiot racist that supports, contributes or steps on the court for your idiotic concept.  I defend your right to start a club or personal league, but I laugh in your face at the belief that somehow White people prefer fundamental basketball over basic athletic entertainment, that White players are less likely to act out than any other race and that your league will have any success at all.  There are many racists out there and they all are quite ignorant when it comes to matters of skin color, but sir, YOU AM DUMB.

January 27, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Topic #26 – You Live Where?

Today’s post of dumb could possibly be seen as a companion post to Topic #25, but it really deserves it’s own paragraph or two.  These days, with everything from Google Maps, to Google Earth, to Tom Tom, cell phone navigation, etc. it has become increasingly easy to find directions to businesses and people’s homes.  However, there is a vast difference (not to be confused with vas deferens – Google it) between being guided toward a place, and actually being sure you are there.  Just as a visible price is vitally important when it comes to buying groceries, a street number is just as important in letting me know whether I am anywhere near the location I’m looking for.  Yet, it seems to be the hardest thing to find on most businesses and homes.

In a way, I get it.  What pride is there to be obtained from loudly pronouncing that your address is 6969 on the front of your abode?  However, you’re missing out on important people getting to your home that just may need that information easier.  What if you need an ambulance?  Or pizza in 30 minutes or less?  People put their house number (if they display it at all) in the dumbest places and display them in the dumbest ways.  It’s 40 feet from the street to your door – what kind of mega-vision am I supposed to possess to spot your size 8 type numbers on your house, that are (in)conveniently painted the EXACT shade of your house.  Thanks for the invisible numbers and the Holmesian amount of deductive reasoning it will now take to figure out that you must be the one unlit house on the block.  Searching for your house is like playing Sudoku on “challenger”.  If you can’t make your house number legible enough for me to spot from the street, YOU AM DUMB.

January 22, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | 1 Comment

Topic #25 – Very Nice, How Much?

It’s the “oh-tens”, as the kids are saying these days, so when I’m at a store, there are really two things I’m looking at when I go to the grocery store to buy food, meds, protection (pepper spray, Mom) and the occasional classy bottle of wine:  the ingredients, and the price.  Well, I don’t actually check the ingredients on the condoms protection and wine, but I do on food and medicine.  The important thing here is that I check the price.  The telltale sign of whether you’re going to buy something – scratch that – buy one item over a competitive item by another company, is cost for what you’re getting.  Since this is generally the most vital thing when you’re shopping for food, why am I so often unable to find the damn price on things in the grocery store?

Remember back in the day (or at 7-Eleven’s – side note: why is “eleven” spelled out and not “7”?) when grocers used to have the little pricing gun and they’d go along ‘shk’kunking’ a price tag on every single item in the store?  Sure, some of them would fall off in the hustle and bustle of people looking at the items (or because of the cheap adhesive, I digress) but because every item had a price tag on it, you merely had to pick up another of the same package to see the price.  Now all the prices are (supposed to be) positioned on the shelf front just below the item.  The only problem is that in the course of the day, items get tossed around, the price strips get knocked down or they just aren’t there in the first place.  Me walking around a store for 20 minutes to find some stock boy who also doesn’t know the price and then has to take the item to the front so we can interrupt the 2-mile line, just so the cashier can tell me some absurd price that makes me recoil in horror somehow seems counterproductive when compared to just price-gunning the entire store.  If you have a grocery store with groceries that don’t have clearly marked prices, YOU AM DUMB.

January 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #24 – You Means You ONLY

People are always so helpful.  Many times they are forthcoming with advice and oh so eager to give you their opinion on what steps to take to solve whatever issue is troubling you.  The problem is that too many people mistake what is a mere opinion for a fact.  It is amazing how many times I’ll be hanging out with friends and one complains about an ache or a pain only to have another one chime in with the great line, “you know what that is?”, followed by some reasoning based on an experience they had one time, or more potently, heard that a friend had one time.  Uh, thanks Doogie Loser, MD, but your 5th hand experience is not valid.  It’s one thing to bring up possibilities.  “Have you ruled XYZ out?”  “Is it POSSIBLE that it could be ABC?”  I just double over with laughter every time someone hears some tiny symptom and because their Aunt Mathilda, who has no other quality similar to you had a symptom somewhat similar to yours 25 years ago, it is without a doubt what your ailment is.

The same thing happens in matters of relationship discussion.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard women discussing the men in their life and giving matter-of-fact information based of the knucklehead they’re dating.  “Oh, he said that?  Whenever they say that, they mean blah, blah, blah” shut up.  You date a bunch of goat-herders.  What makes you think that your laundry list of failures in relationships qualifies you to tell another person how someone who is a complete stranger to you is going to act?  Your experience is yours only, which is why so many of you morons try and claim that you are an individual, and no one can tell you this, that and the other, because no one else has lived your life.  If that’s the case, then stop assuming you know how everyone else is going to act based on your one-sided experience.  If you think your experience is transferable to advice for the other 6.5 billion people on the planet, YOU AM DUMB.

January 18, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week!

Yes, I totally whiffed on getting out some posts this week.  I may or may not make up for it – but I couldn’t get through a week without dropping a “Dummy Of” on ya.  This week, with the horrendous issue going on post-earthquake in Haiti, we almost had a tie for our weekly champion.  Rush Limbaugh is always a possible Dummy pick because the guy is a high and mighty oxycontin drug addict who, like a classic drug addict, likes to blame everyone else for what’s wrong in the world.  His statements this week about Obama and Haiti would normally be enough to warrant the title but he was outdone by everyone’s (least) favorite ‘pastor’, Pat Robertson.

This sham of a schemer actually had the balls to say that Haiti was due this earthquake as part of  a deal the nation made with the devil during their attempt to gain independence from French rule and literally followed up that piece of idiocy with the phrase (and I’m quoting directly here), “True story.”  He claims, wait, let’s go back to that for a second.  True story?  According to whom?  This charlatan is such a conniver he would have his watcher’s believe, and attempt to get anyone else paying attention to believe that he has access to fact that no one else has that the population of Haiti made a literal pact with the Devil.  To get free from the French.  In the early 1800’s.  Are you kidding me?  The only reason I could see his statement having any validity is that to know whether Haiti made a pact with the Devil, one would have to either be old enough to know the people involved in making the treaty, or know the Devil.  While I think Pat Robertson is mighty old, I’m a lot more willing to believe that he has a pretty tidy friendship with the Devil.

Keith Olbermann delivered a diatribe railing Pat Robertson which I thought was really on point and I second his notions, but I couldn’t go without making an additional statement.  This buffoon has made incendiary, divisive comments like these his entire career, yet somehow people still pay for him to be on the air, sponsor ads for his show and follow him devoutly.  I don’t believe in taking someone off the air solely because they have a shitty opinion, but what type of Forrest Gumpian mentality does it take to hear his statements on this horrendous tragedy and think, “yeah, that’s right on”?  Pat Robertson is sexist, racist and in no way does he represent any type of spirituality that I would want spread into the world.  If I believe in a higher power for no other reason, it’s for times like this, when I pray for that higher power to intervene positively for the people of Haiti, and negatively for an uber-douche like Pat Robertson.  YOU sir, AM DUMB.  Good luck in hell.

January 16, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week!

I love sports.  Professional sports, amateur sports, college sports.  Yes, I separated ‘amateur’ from ‘college’ sports because frankly, unless you’re on the college swim team, you’re probably getting some under-the-table money from somewhere.  Why do I love sports?  The athleticism?  Sure.  The competition?  Why not?  But what I seem to enjoy the most about sports is the off-the-field lives that so often end up on the front page.  Without sports, Tiger Woods would have been just another doctor that cheated on his wife.  Without sports, Antoine Walker’s yearly trips home to Chicago to get robbed wouldn’t be as big a deal.  And yes, without sports, we wouldn’t get to see the idiocy that is unfolding right now in Washington, D.C.

According to a number of NBA players, more than half the players in the league have or carry guns.  It makes sense – while being tall and athletic, basketball players by comparison are more lanky and lean than their counterparts in other major sports.  Pair that with being worth millions of dollars, connections with shady friends, and a fairly accessible schedule, and you have a recipe for a bunch of guys to be robbed, mugged and burglarized regularly.  While all of that makes gun ownership a reasonable idea, and even having one in your car isn’t so far-fetched, considering the number of players who have been car-jacked, why in the hell would you bring guns from your car into the locker room at the stadium you play in?

If you’ve ever watched the pre-game show for a basketball game, they usually have a shot of a player or two arriving for the game, and they are usually getting out of their car in the bowels of the stadium, which means that the only people that have access to them from the time they get to the game till when they leave, are authorized to be there.  Dear Gilbert Arenas, what benefit would you have by bringing your gun(s) from your house in your car to the stadium, and then out of the car and into the locker room?   This is one of the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of an athlete doing at their place of business.  There is no reasonable explanation for why this happened other than “I am just so stupid that risking jail time and the voiding of the last $100 MILLION of my contract was worth showing off these cool guns I have.”   Then, to top it off, Doc Holiday decides to make a mockery of the issue by doing the “finger-gun” thing during warm-ups with his teammates.  How does the commissioner NOT suspend you for that?  Here I was all set to use this Dummy Of The Week as a platform to rant against the BCS system and talk about playoffs, but Gilbert Arenas stormed in, finger-guns blazing to put all that to waste.  Mr. Arenas, YOU AM DUMB.

January 8, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Topic #23 – You Are, In Fact, Judgmental

One of my favorite comedians from when I was a kid was a guy named George Wallace.  He had this great bit about the fact that people say stupid things.  It was one of the inspirations behind the very blog you are reading right now.  He would run for about 5 minutes bringing up a number of statements people made that were idiotic.  I preface this post with that information because in this PC-don’t-hurt-anyone’s-feelings-we-are-all-special world, I often meet people who in the course of our conversation make this statement:  “I hate judgmental people.”

Now, being a writer doesn’t make me a grammatical or linguistics expert, but that statement is like wearing tin foil as a motorcycle helmet.  You think you’re doing something right because it’s shiny, but you’re just as screwed as someone who doesn’t wear a helmet at all.  Everyone is a little judgmental, but it’s become the cool statement to make.  “Hey man, you know I don’t judge.”  Yes, you do.  Otherwise you’d be dead already.  Your milk has an expiration date on it right?  Well, who are you to judge that the milk will actually be spoiled then?  You get a bill from the electric company.  Who are you to judge that they really want to get paid?  Your friend just did 8 shots of Everclear.  Who are you to judge that he can’t drive?

It’s like the bailout statement for people that don’t want to be seen as taking a side, or better yet, seen as racist.  If my daughter brought home some homeless vagrant and tried to pass her off as a new boyfriend, who am I to judge, right?  Well, first of all, my daughter isn’t even 4 yet, so I already have an issue.  But on top of that, uh, I’m not trying to have my daughter hugged up with a bum.  It’s okay, I say it sometimes too.  Of course, I’ve already told you that I’m just as full of shit as you are.  So let me drop the charade, get a little judgmental and tell you that if you claim that you aren’t, YOU AM DUMB.

January 7, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Topic #22 – Sweeping My Lunch

Over the years I’ve made a real effort to stop eating fast food, and more specifically, at fast food establishments.  Health was obviously the main reason for this, but other factors like frustration with staff or feeling like I was in a slaughtering pen contributed as well.  A major problem with eating in fast food restaurants reared it’s head the other day when I was at the airport waiting to fly.

I was at the airport nice and early for my flight which would have never happened had my sister not been leaving from the same airport a few hours before me.  At my gate fresh and ready to go, the agent announced that they were looking for volunteers to take a later flight, which they would reward with a free ticket for another flight.  Because I fly often, and more importantly, have enough crap with me to entertain myself for hours on end, I jumped at the chance.  So I calmly sit down in the gate area to eat the overpriced unhealthy lunch I had procured from myself as I now had time to actually taste the glorious burger, and within 2 minutes, a janitor comes over with one of those rolling sweepers.

Does this just annoy me?  I don’t really care whether it does or not, which is the basis for this blog anyway, but when I’m eating food, I don’t want you cleaning the floor directly under me or within a foot or so of me during my meal.  The last thing I need to be doing is moving my feet so you can rub your broom on my pant leg.  Of course, it’s never fast.  There never fails to be some stubborn morsel or scrap of paper that holds tight to the floor like a new convict about to be tossed in jail for the first time.  O’Hare isn’t small.  The area this guy is required to clean has to include some places my meal is not taking place in.  Go there.  If you insist on cleaning up an area while I’m trying to eat there, YOU AM DUMB.

January 6, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | Leave a comment

Topic #21 – Lock Your Door

As many of you know, I grew up in Chicago.  I went to grade school and high school IN the city, and lived in the heart of it after college.  I am fully aware of the dangers that lurk.  Muggers and burglars and what is essentially referred to as the dregs.  Growing up our car was broken into, our garage was broken into, and so on and so forth.  In my more mischievous days I was a contributor to the darkness on the streets as well.  Moving out to Los Angeles has not softened this.  The homeless population here is large and while mostly harmless, everybody wants to eat and rest their head and some are willing to live in a gray moral area to do so.  I tell you that as a preface to this story.

I got home yesterday and had a lot of things to get out of the car.  Now, I don’t recall whether I tried to hit the lock button on my key fob as I got out, or if I just figured I’d lock the car up when I got in the house.  Being that my driveway is literally 2 steps from the patio off of my living room, locking the door from in my place is something I do often.  Of course, I stopped to get the mail and somewhere in the process, must have never hit that button on the old key fob.

Around midnight last night I realize that I forgot my charger in my car so I stepped outside to grab it.  I get to my car door, and there is a bum asleep in the front seat of my car!  At the time of course, I didn’t realize that I had forgotten to lock my door so I was absolutely stunned.  For about 5 seconds.  Then I went to my trunk and calmly pulled the Easton aluminum bat I keep there (if you don’t keep a bat in your trunk, you should – easiest weapon to get away with carrying), opened the car door and politely woke up my slumbering guest.  Luckily he was apologetic and was not looking for confrontation.  Of course, if you fall asleep in a stranger’s car, you obviously ARE looking for confrontation.  Fortunately for me, he didn’t give me any beef and didn’t steal anything.  Fortunately for him, I didn’t have a gun on me and have gotten to a point where I think before I swing the Easton.  I don’t live in a bad neighborhood (Brentwood/Santa Monica) but there is a parish that does the soup kitchen thing on a regular basis.  Regardless, I know better than to not lock my door.  All in all, if you leave your car door unlocked like I did, you’re asking for trouble and while YOU AM DUMB…I IS TOO.

January 5, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | 1 Comment

Topic #20 – Your Ringer Sucks

I know, you thought I’d quit.  I had a post before Christmas and hadn’t posted since then.  No end of the year message.  No Dummy Of The Year, etc.  Ah, the joy of New Years resolutions, eh?   Well – let’s get down to business, shall we?

There was a point, when cell phones first gained the capability to have customized ringers, that I too embraced the concept of changing the noise mine made when receiving a call.  At first it was those ridiculous ringers that were bad tonal renditions of actual songs.  Then the tech improved and people actually started being able to put real song clips on their phone, as well as clips of movies, TV shows and other banal things.  It was cool – hearing some voice in a poor attempt at Ebonics say, “Pick me up, foo!” or letting the world know that you were still a Public Enemy fan every time your phone rang.

That lasted about 3 months.  It’s been years since the ability to do this first started and I’m asking for us to please just go back to making cell phones ring like any other phone.  It’s never the person whose phone rarely rings that has the idiotic ring tone.  No, it’s always the person who has the most drama going on who consistently reminds me that “She’s got them apple bottom jeans, boots with the spurs…with the spurs”.  Thanks, but sweetheart there are no jeans that can make your bottom look like any other fruit than a watermelon.  What’s even better is the person who is a text message freak and has some long, drawn-out vocal-beeping-music combination of satanism that violently rips through a conversation or more excitingly, through silence.  Over.  And over.  Again.

I’m a cell phone person.  Mine is usually a few feet from my hand at almost all times.  I call people, regularly get calls and I text, yet somehow manage to do it all without having any sensory intrusion at all.  No ringer.  No vibration.  Just me, willing to check my phone every so often.  Now, some friends joke that I don’t answer my phone a lot and it’s a mixture of not seeing it light up and just not seeing the need to talk on the phone a whole lot, but no one really claims that I’m hard to get a hold of.  Maybe it’s that I’m just not that important.  Quite possible, but are you?  Next time you feel the need to let me know that when the snippet “Supaman dat ho” from the Soulja Boy song comes on, it’s your girlfriend calling, skip it, please.  If you have absurd ringers on your phone for calls and text messages, YOU AM DUMB.

January 4, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment