Youamdumb's Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Dummy Of The Week!

I know I post at random times and random things.  My resolution for 2010 is to be better at that.  In the meantime, how about some Dummy Of The Week action?  I could keep it simple and have you just check out this link, but who would I be if I didn’t comment on it?  Lazy, that’s who, and I’m not (always) lazy, so I can’t take that.  No, actually, the link says it all.  If you need me to comment on why this is dumb and this mother is the Dummy Of The Week, then YOU AM DUMB.

December 18, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Topic #19 – Your Girl Is Not The Shit

I’ll be honest:  I’m not at all into the whole “men vs. women” thing.  I hate arguments that start with the premise that ALL men are a certain way, or that ALL women are a certain way.  Yes, I absolutely contradict this statement with my Crazy/Idiots theory (last posted on my Facebook page) but that theory is more of a metaphor to explain how we can get along better.  What’s the point?  I was out with a buddy of mine last weekend and the girl he is very interested in was out with us along with her gal pal (that just sounds so Gayle King-like).  Now the girl was still officially dating someone but everybody knows that there is something bubbling between my friend and her.  So her pal starts giving him the 3rd degree about how she knows how he is and he better fly right and not break friends heart if they date.  Being the good guy friend, I politely told the chick to shut the hell up.  “How about you tell your girl not to break my buddies heart, okay Nancy Grace?”  She got immediately perturbed that I would suggest such a possibility.

Look ladies, I know you think it’s a good idea to pitch your girlfriends as aspiring Mother Teresa’s, but guys have been on your Facebook pages.  We checked out the album titled “Cancun Trip”.  Let’s stop the charade.  Your girl is not the shit.  Not any more than the guys you’re selling them to are.  Guys don’t get reputations as players because they masturbate a lot.  It takes two to make that reputation and one of them most certainly possesses a vagina.  Can’t both sexes just admit that neither side is perfect and that the best we can hope for is something less than chasing or being chased around by a golf club, crashing an Escalade (twice) and dealing with 15-20 indiscretions coming out of the woodwork?  No one is perfect, so if you try and promote your girlfriend like she’s the shit, YOU AM DUMB.

December 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Topic #18 – Take Your Tie Off

It’s Saturday night.  You’re in your favorite drinking establishment.  It’s midnight.  Then you look over and you see it: the guy standing with his buddies wearing a tie.  I’ve worked jobs where I had to be in an office on Saturday.  I’ve even worked jobs that required wearing a tie on Saturday.  However, I’ve never worked a job that required me to continue wearing a tie when I got to the bar to drown the sorrows of having to work and wear a tie on Saturday in the first place.  I don’t want to hear how you like wearing a tie.  You’ve already loosened it.  It’s hanging from your neck well below your unbuttoned collar.  Take it off.  Leave it in your car.  Pocket it even.  Just don’t stand in a bar on a Saturday night and pretend like you’re sophisticated because instead of opting for an actual look to wear out for the evening, you went for “employed”.  Today’s is short but sweet, but if you keep a tie on or put a tie on to go out to the bar, YOU AM DUMB.

December 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Dummy Of The Week!

I couldn’t even get to the site to update this thing in the last couple days.  I’ve been a little busy with some things to say the least.  To say the most?  Well, I’m not trying to take up that much of your precious time.  Anyway, on to the Dummy Of The Week.  There’s no point in trying to be complicated here as this week’s dummy is a microcosm of a larger issue (aren’t they all?)  I’m not gay and I’m not homophobic.  Personally, I don’t care.  It’s like veganism to me: I’m not going to give up meat for an all veggie diet, but I don’t give a rat’s ass what you eat.  Just don’t try and convince me I’m wrong for liking steak and I keep letting you believe your tofu burger is as good as Father’s Office.

Meredith Baxter.  Do you know who she is?  Unless you’re my age and up or watch a lot of Nick At Nite you probably have no clue.  Which is exactly why the news of her coming out this past week doesn’t matter in the slightest.  Why is this on the front page of CNN?  Is this really news that is on the pulse of America?  Do we really need someone to speak up for all the latent lesbians that STILL feel unsure about coming out of the closet?  I’m pretty sure the shock of people we assumed to be straight coming out as gay ended in the 90’s.  Since then it’s been a string of people we knew were gay but for some reason ascribed our willingness to comment on the same plane as the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” put out by the ingenious Bill Clinton.

Meredith Baxter’s last movie was The Onion Movie (that doesn’t even sound real) and the last time she was on a TV show for more than a guest spot was 2006.  Her coming out as gay right now is about as effective as me coming out as straight: No one is incredibly surprised and no one really gives a shit.  What I do find hilarious is that now that she’s come out, the picture on her Wikipedia page is now one of her at an AIDS benefit in 1990.  Was this up before she came out and does this mean that Wikipedia automatically links “gay actress” with “AIDS photo” for their site?  She could have avoided all of this by just posing for Playboy like every other over the hill, past-their-prime actress you almost forgot about.  Either way, I am probably stupid for even bringing it up, but Meredith Baxter, YOU AM DUMB.

December 11, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Topic #17 – It Doesn’t Take A Village To Beat A Child

I love the auto show.  I went almost every single year when I lived in Chicago and I’ve been to both LA Auto Shows since moving here last November.  I don’t have a problem with crowds and generally enjoy them because, frankly it gives me plenty of fodder for this blog.  There is no crowd on earth that can fill up a post of dumbness like an auto show crowd.  Why?  Because it is a true melting pot of people.  If you want proof that dumb exists in all races and creeds, go to an auto show and watch every cultural member of the species exhibit low-level IQ behavior.  Especially with their children.

It was amazing to watch the number of kids just running wild through the show.  At one point, my buddy Drama (www.twitter.com/lnbarnes) and I watched these brothers who were probably 7 and 5 years old pummel the crap out of each other on a rotating stage for a Honda concept vehicle.   I mean, for a good 5 minutes it was like midget wrestling invaded the auto show.  Not a parent to be seen.  Finally when they took off running to another display, some grandfatherly old man stood up from across the stage and followed after them.  It was like this the whole show.  Look, I think it’s cool for kids to get a chance to sit in the front seat and play with all the dials, but 10 minutes is overkill.  Of course the kid doesn’t know any better but where is Mom or Dad to put out a little discipline?

I got into one car after about 8 minutes of waiting for a kid who I guarantee will never have the common sense to even be able to pass a driving test to scoot over to the passenger side.  This Forrest-Gumpian child had the radio on high blast singing along to a Black Eyed Peas song.  I reached over and turned the stereo down 3 notches and Corky looks at me like I just preceded him off of the short bus, then reaches over and ratchets it right back up.  Now, maybe I’m wrong for this, but I looked him dead in the eye and, while turning the radio back down said, “I will punch you right in the nose.”  Did I care?  No.  You know why?  There wasn’t an adult around that looked like they had any parental rights to this music-loving midget.  Parents, if you’re going to take your kids to a public place, make sure they are trained to behave, otherwise, YOU AM DUMB.

December 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | 1 Comment

Dummy Of The Last Two Weeks!

So we’ve all agreed that I update this blog like Mr. T appears in stuff: somewhat random, almost never in the same place twice and generally amusing, with a touch of PAIN.  I’m not sure what that means so let’s move on.  I debated for a while as to who would actually gain the grand distinction of being such an idiot they could take up a whole 2 weeks worth of title.  Actually, the debate centered on two people that, for now, live in the same house.  Being the Gemini that I am, the awesome jerk-store side of me really wanted to label Elin Nordegren as the Dummy Of The Last Two Weeks.  I mean, did she really think that being married to a top athlete, regardless of the sport, was going to be a faithful event?  But honestly, that lack of understanding isn’t good enough to lock up a full two weeks worth of dummy.

This one’s for you, Tiger.  There are so many elements to your Dumb-ness that I may not even be able to cover it all.  First off, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR WIFE?  I know the saying, “for everyone beautiful woman there’s a guy who’s tired of being with her” but come on – you couldn’t have figured out how to deal with her?  That just goes to show how much power and celebrity go to dim what most men would put on a pedestal.   So you decide to cheat on her, but you don’t decide to just have some random hit-it-and-quit-its.  No sir, you want to establish relationships with traceable texts and taped phone conversations and a paper trail befitting a puppy left home in a house with toilet paper free to be destroyed.  Even Ari from Entourage has a “Bat Phone”, Dummy!  I don’t keep texts on my phone for simple stuff like people asking me where I am, I’m damn sure not keeping texts on there from anyone saying a bunch of sexual stuff…and I’m single.  You flew the one chick out to meet you in Australia?  Dude, do you know how well a combination of brown(ish) skin and an American accent go over in Australia?  What are you flying her over from America for when there is plenty of Down Under tail that you could have chased?  Then when the argument ensues, you leave your own home?  It’s the ultimate oxymoron:  Tiger finally looks like he’s a little ballsy by stepping out on the wife, then he wilts again by leaving, just because she tries to claw his eyes out.

To recap, you cheated on your wife.  With multiple chicks.  In ways which obviously demonstrated a desire for continuous relationships (as evidenced by over 300 texts to one of them).  You flew at least one of them across the world to see you and tried to cover it up by having the president of one of your companies, who is also a childhood friend do it.  Then when you got caught, you let your wife try and remove your face with her nails, attempt to play Closest To The Pin with your head, and left your own house in such a rush that you crashed into multiple objects.  Tiger Woods, for making real life look like just another episode of Cheaters, YOU AM DUMB.

December 4, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

Topic #16 – Stop Dancing

Sports is fun.  At the end of all the strategizing and trickeration and quest for victory, it is as they say, just a game.  People should have fun when they play sports be that if it’s just for fun or for their job.  Speaking of those people that play sports as a job:  STOP DANCING.  Look, I get it – the average career of an athlete is often shorter than the time Lindsay Lohan spends sober.  You want to enjoy it at the highest level.  Thing is, your dances suck.  Admit it, even as classic as the Icky Shuffle is, it was a lame dance beyond even Macarena levels of cheese.

What’s worse is now players dance over plays that don’t even result in scores.  Get a first down?  Shake your ass.  Sack the quarterback?  Crawl on the ground like an idiot.  Dude, you’re 36.  Hug that orange-and-aqua clad other grown man till he falls over, stand up, high-five your teammate – another grown man with paint on his face, let a couple of guys home-erotically slap your ass for your good efforts, and line up to do it all over again.  If you’re a pro-athlete and you dance after making a basic play, YOU AM DUMB.

December 4, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , | Leave a comment

End Of Vacation

Oh by the way, I went on vacation.  I’m a grown ass man, I don’t have to give you my whereabouts every instant.  if you thought this was the traditional blog, errrr wrong!  There’s always a chance there could be some new stuff here.  Or that I fell asleep in the middle of writing and it’ll be up later.  Regardless, You Am Dumb returns today with more hilarity, and of course tomorrow, a special treat – A Dummy Of The Last 2 Weeks!  Hmm, I wonder what fool has dominated the headlines since last Thursday. Check back later for the Dumb!

December 3, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment