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Topic #8 – Condoms

I’m going to do my best not to gross any of the loyal readers out today, considering one of them is my Mom (at least I hope she’s a loyal reader).  Today’s topic has a scary title, but hopefully a basic and simple explanation, which makes the guys (and few ladies involved with screwing this up) even more dumb.  What the hell is with all these “accidental” damn kids?  I still end up in a conversation with a dude from time to time who says the dumbest six-word sentence on the planet:  “I don’t like how condoms feel.”  Really, Einstein?  How about the weight of carrying a child and it’s “babymuvah” on your back both financially and sometimes physically for the next 18 years rest of your life?  How does that feel? 

It’s literally $3 and 30 seconds of prep time that can be the difference between just another good time in the sack or a good time resulting in a You, Jr.  

***SPOILER ALERT (Mom, skip ahead)*** 

I have actually put on a condom (or two) in my day and it’s the opposite of rocket science.  They’re aren’t tough to open and if you need instructions you probably shouldn’t be in a situation where the result could potentially be procreation anyway. 

***SPOILER OVER (Mom, you can read on from here)*** 

Seriously kids, isn’t it worth dropping $15 or $20 just buy a bunch and practice opening just to make sure you get the hang of it so you’re not fumbling around when it’s go-time?  Trust me, there is no action that could possibly happen, that could somehow not end up happening because you have enough common sense to go grab a condom.  Ladies, if that short timeout is too long for keeping-you-in-the-mood purposes, then you probably shouldn’t be horizontally mamboing this guy anyway. 

Even more precisely guys, if the chick you’re about to bed wrestle tries to tell you that she likes it condom free, that’s what we at the Guy Think Tank like to call “A TRAP”.  You need to understand that A TRAP is not always set to be sprung instantaneously.  Yes, brainiac, she may be on the pill today, but 3 months from now when you’re starting to sour on the relationship and she has already planned the wedding reception, THE TRAP might be in a perfect position to be sprung. 

Of course, you’re asking, “Mr. Blogger, how do you know?”  As I said, sometimes I am not only a deliverer of a Daily Dumb topic, I’m also a client.  I love her to death, but I have a daughter that is the result of exactly that.  I was married and believed my (now-ex) wife was on the magic pill, so I went sans protection.  Result?  A beautiful almost 4 year old daughter.  Happy to have her, but totally my fault for not strapping up.  At the same time, she is the only child I have.  Somebody learned a lesson.  Who are these fools with a basketball team worth of kids?  How do you not pick up on what is causing this to happen?  It’s simple preventative action.  Not ALL of those condoms broke.  I feel like calling some of you “Coach” instead of “Father”.  If you are still avoiding using condoms to stave off child infestation in 2009, YOU AM DUMB.

PS – Yes, I know condoms also help prevent against certain VD’s, but not only is VD something you can get and keep to yourself, VD also doesn’t require arcade money, daily meals and college tuition.  In addition your VD can’t get raped, or murdered, and although it can produce more VD, there is no chance you become responsible for raising that VD when your original VD decides to get addicted to meth, yaknowhutImean?

 

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November 4, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

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