Topic #51 – Be My Balentime

You know I couldn’t let this day pass without a post, right? I almost had to let it go because I wasn’t sure where to begin, but human beings never fail to give me ammunition. Of all the things I could complain about regarding people’s involvement in this holiday, it’s time to talk about how people complain about this holiday.

Valentine’s Day complainers fall into 3 categories: Women that complain that not enough or anything is being done for them on Valentine’s Day, men who complain that they have to do something for their woman on Valentine’s Day, and women who complain that the holiday even exists, unless they’re in a relationship, in which case they fall into category number one.

Ladies, unless you started dating your man within the 2 weeks prior to Valentine’s Day, you should know better. If you were dating him at Christmas, you know if or what kind of gift-giver he is. You had a month and a half to assess the situation and bail. You have zero right to feel disappointed when Cassanova’s idea of a great Valentine’s Day date is ordering Domino’s and catching Transporter 3 on Spike. You can’t maintain such a high level of expectations when you previously gave your standards a break. Or maybe you just need to get better at training him. Psyche, despite your belief, we aren’t dogs. Actually, we might be so you should expect that we sometimes just shit in the house. Get a wee-wee pad or call the shelter.

Men who complain about having to do something for their women. Guys, no you don’t. Break up if your girl expects a heartfelt Valentine’s outpouring that you aren’t interested in giving. I don’t want to hear you mope around about how you “have to” get flowers, dinner and a gift when I know the end result of something even that simple in forethought will result in you having awesome sex. Maybe if you bought flowers or a gift on a non-make believe holiday, she wouldn’t be so insistent on turning the screws today. Psyche, if you’re in a relationship, I don’t care if you send flowers weekly, you better turn the bouquet volume up to 11 if you want her to do that thing in bed she did that one time you defended her honor in public or whatever.

And to all the single ladies that complain about the “made-up, make believe, not real, bullshit, Hallmark holiday” you want to loudly proclaim Valentine’s Day to be today, I’d like to first thank you for letting me no longer wonder whether you’re single or had a man hidden somewhere you don’t talk about. Secondly, you’re full of shit. You hate the day because either previous suitors haven’t come through in the clutch or because you WISH a guy presently was so moved by you that he would literally wait in lines to buy shit he knows nothing about (flowers? jewelry? chocolate? Ok, maybe chocolate but guys know M&M’s, not Godiva,) just to watch your eyes light up. And have sex with you.

Don’t complain. Either solve the problem, or get excited about the situation. Whatever the deal, if you’re complaining about today, You Am Dumb.